I couldn’t be the person everyone expected of me! As this notion became louder in my brain, I decided to put my raw thoughts into phrases and see if it would assist me at all in resolving the psychological difficulty that I had been experiencing for quite some time. The nicest part about writing is that it allows me to get a lot off my chest with each “full stop” I use. It also seems that individuals may link their recollections to my thinking sometime down the road. It’s as if they’re reading a portion of their own personal journal, and that’s what keeps me going! I think that life is all about re-inventing yourself, and that you cannot go a year without discovering new things about yourself every day.
My parents taught me to respect the elderly as a child, when they should have taught me to respect everyone. They went on to say that a decent person never imposes their ideas on others, but they never warned me about the flip side of the coin. They should have taught me how to deal with circumstances in which others push their ideas on you. Should you listen or walk away? Sometimes I feel that everything our parents ever taught us as kids was just random stuff that their parents (our grandparents) used to teach them and they are just passing it on to us. Perhaps this outmoded notion of morality has been handed down from generation to generation, but someone has to stop this chain reaction, and I must stand up to it.
As fresh experiences are introduced to your belief system as a child, your whole belief system evolves. The expectations placed on you to live a respectable life, to love with all you have, and to be true to yourself, which is often imprisoned between the layers of money and love like a subway sandwich!
In terms of job, I was unhappy without anybody else’s involvement in my life. I wasn’t doing anything useful, and it had been almost a decade or so since I had felt the desire to step out and that time was running out. I didn’t consider office job to be constructive, and I still don’t. I don’t because I feel it doesn’t connect with you since you’re putting in all this effort, thinking outside the box, and other things not for your own sanity but for someone else’s. Sometimes you want to ease your mind by listening to music, but you wind up listening to some track on YouTube that rattles your very soul, and then you badly want to work, but that song or track continues buzzing in your ears and distracting your thoughts all day. You could see a documentary on a renowned artist and get all hyped up, thinking, quote, “I can be like one of them,” but then you wonder what is holding you back. “”I’ll have to find it out shortly.” Surprisingly, that “soon” never arrives! It truly frightens me that I have nothing constructive to accomplish tomorrow or the following day!
Now comes the part I didn’t want to speak about at all, but I suppose it’s in everyone’s destiny since it follows you around like a shadow. When people fall out of love with you, there is nothing you can do to get them back. All of your efforts and their memory of you will be lost. It’s difficult to accept, but they just no longer love you. It hurt so much since it was all I was hanging on to, and I had no idea or knowledge of anything else that would sustain me if I was ever cut off! I felt alone and lonely, like a wounded stray dog crying for sympathy. For over a year, no one saw me physically as I withdrew into self-isolation. Do you want to hear a witty one-liner? To maintain my sanity, I had to dismantle a whole belief system, reject it, and discard it. It seemed like much more than a failure, and it became louder within me with each passing day. I consider myself a feminist since I have always believed in equality and have used it as a motive in all of my relationships, but it has mostly backfired on me because the soft-spoken nature and freedom advocate were usually taken for granted. Even the strongest emotions die when they are disregarded and taken for granted!
I’m in my 30s, yet I feel like I’m already 57! I sometimes feel like I was born in the wrong era! Humans nowadays are just too tough to understand! But there is a part of me that feels I am not yet ready to be the mature adult that society expects of me. Despite this, I feel like I still have a lot of growing to do, and I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be the person everyone expected me to be!